Julylove’s Blog

Some people say that being in a couple makes you a non-single woman. That is just a myth. Modern times have shown us that we need to keep our individuality even when we are in a couple.

Being single in a couple doesn’t mean cheating. Being single in a couple means going out with the girls, doing everything you did before but not stepping the boundaries of a relationship.

In a city that never sleeps having someone to share your insanity is purely fabulous. But having multiple persons to choose from is always welcomed. Besides your life partner you need to have friends. Friends that you can divide in categories: going-out friends, having brunch friends, fabulous shopping friends and so on.

All we hear is that when you are in a couple you shouldn’t do that or this. But every couple has its boundaries.

I, for example, have a very healthy relationship but in the same time I am living a single life. I maintained my friends, my social status and my personal wilderness. And it feels absolutely amazing.

Denying your freedom is just a conservation problem which you need to deal with. Living only a couple life makes you forget your inner strength and personality. Life isn’t always about “we are, we do, we go”. It’s about  yourself too, even in bigger proportions.

When every sentence starts with “we” the people in that couple are overwhelmed already. Married or not, single or not, life is too short to be just about boring days in doors or dinner with parents.

Nobody can make your life more fulfilling. Firstly, design your own rules, boundaries, way of life.

Single but in a couple is a must. Life is fabulous, you just need to realize it.

This is what they told me. I spent my week in doors, trying to delete the memories, or at least rewrite them.  It’s been a long while since I first time I saw your face, it’s been years since I first hopped for a ride in that red car of yours who used to stop at the most appropriate moments.

That car was changed for a new one. Like I was changed.

The first time I saw you you told me you want to go on a trip that will last at least 7 days, with no luggages. I giggled and I said I’ll join you. You accepted.

When I last saw you, I showed you the tickets I bought, for Oslo. You told me that your carrier can’t let you do it, that now you have plans, and your time is expensive. You even told me to try and find a steady job, not just move when something or someone doesn’t please me. You said I’m too complicated.

Well, you’ve lost your sense of humor. When I cal you all I hear are the noises of a lazy computer, and the fax who always is ringing. Where’s that amazing free laugh? Or those cute cheek bones you used to show with every occasion. Now you only wear those stupid ties, you even threw the t-shirts I bought you.

Is it worth it? You gave up your dreams. She’s there for you, she loves you in her way. But she stole that inner light of yours that you used to have. You were glowing all the time!

Your old friends still send me postcards. You don’t even call on my birthday.

Three years ago you said you’ll take me on a bike ride when I’ll buy a bike. I have a bike for two years. You never called.

I told you about the tree angel, and the enchanted forest I dreamt.  You mocked me and told me to grow up.

Well, keep those fancy shirts and those silly costume pants because I don’t like them. You look ridiculous.

She may tell you they fit you prefectly, well I say your tie doesn’t match your shirt. Suck it up, big man.

And she may ask you about your work, and support your projects, but I was the one who helped you build them. The one who got you a picnic basket in your office.

And I’m a ghost now. I don’t bother you. I only want you not to loose yourself. You were great, you were admired and cherished. Keep that.

You’re much better than that. Money can be made,  but happiness will never be achieved by buying stupid costumes and going to fancy parties with those snobs.

Get a pair of balls and tell her you want a barbeque. Listen to that music, shake your head. Smile. Be friendly. Give a ring from time to time. Look yourself in the mirror. Go out with the guys.

And after that, love her. Yes, love her. I’ll never try and stop that. I just want you to be the best man in everything.

I miss you. I miss your laugh. Please, take care of it.

Next time, I’ll really give you the photo I took of you when you were in Uni.

Ow, and, if you see this, don’t try to get any feedback from me.

What was in our past, will remain there. I won’t try anything. Just know you’re great, and yes, I will love you always for who you were and for how you showed me I can be. Free and never lost.

Terrible terrible day.

Not so terrible but it was enough to make me wanna be in bed.

Went out in the morning, it was damn cold. Yuck.

Arrived at my destination. Found out that, of course, they canceled the event, but since I didn’t give my phone no, they couldn’t reach me.

Went and looked for a bus.

Realized I had no credit on my oyster. Perfect.

Went to the store, realized I had left my money home.

Walked till home. 1 hour.

Arrived shaking.

Went and poured some milk for the cat. She spilled it all on the carpet.

I, as a good girl, threw away the carpet blabbering. 10 minutes later I regreted it. It was a nice carpet.

Went outside, took it back.

Washed it. Put it on the dryer.

Took cat in the bedroom. Stupid cat peed on another carpet

Now I’m wondering: should I throw the other carpet…or the cat?!

I’m better now. Me-owwwww! -cat thrown-

I left many blank pages in my life, I left many moments pass without doing nothing about it. I left love pass me by. I left myself in the torment of love and I got burnt. I never felt sorry about my decisions. Until now.

Now I am regreting every word that I told you. I regret asking you to go away. I regret burning all of our pictures, all of your letters. Like this, I only managed deleting myself from your heart.

You asked me to stay. I turned around and walked away, even thought that in that moment, my heart broke. I thought I had to go, to let you live your life.

When you said : “Let’s keep in touch” I nodded but in my mind I said NO. I deleted your phone number, every e-mail.

Now I am alone. I lost many irreplaceable things. But the one I regret most is loosing you.

How are you? How is life treating you? Did you make a family? If so…how is your wife? Is she charming, beautiful, charismatic? Is she a copy of me?

Did you get your dream come true? I heard about your succes once, an old friend mentioned you. That day I went looking for you. I went to your old address. You weren’t there no more. I wondered the streets for hours, searching for the trace of your perfume. I only found the perfume of the long lost love.

Do you have kids? Did they inherited your big brown beautiful eyes? Ow I so regret not being their mother. I lost every bit of myself on my way to becoming independent.

Why did I do this to myself? Why was I so obsesses with showing you I can do something? You never said I couldn’t.

Now I managed, I am doing what I always wanted . But I don’t have you to congratulate me. I’m not a “down with love ” woman, but still I always am said this.

They ask me why am I single. I never answer, but the answer would be : Because I lost the only man who really deserved me.

I don’t want to be a truly independent woman no more. I want to be your wife, I want to be the mother of your children. I want you to treat me as you did.

I miss you too much. Where are you? I read the newspapers daily in searching for a picture with you. Friends tell me they saw you passing by the other day. Today I wen ton the same street and waited. I thought I saw you and started running. Then, I realized it was truly you. You were with your wife. She is beautiful. I stopped and started crying.

You are beautiful. She is beautiful.

I am sorry. I lost you forever.

Be happy, I hope your children will realize you are a perfect man.

I love you.

With love, the woman who lost everything.

You asked me to die today. Was it worth it? Do you think it would be a better you without me?

I doubt. I didn’t do you wrong. I didn’t make you a bad person. You are a bad person, but not because I was with you.

I’m confused..which part of me would you like to kill? You already murdered my heart. I think that’s enough.

I’m going away. Didn’t you notice? My bags were on the hallway. Hm. I guess you were too busy blaming all on me, it’s easier to think that since you always liked to be the better man in everything.

I should’ve known from the start that your smile isn’t real.

You could be a really good clown. You always managed to do tricks with me. And it worked like magic cause I believed you.

You know..you’re a pathetic human being. I’m not the kind of woman that you can step on your way to success, to a greater life.

Look for someone that is good at cleaning your shoes. You don’t need love. You don’t need a real woman.

And a real woman doesn’t need you.

It’s silly of me to think about you, to think I could ever change you. I tried. All I managed to succeed was for you to throw me away.

Forget who I am. Forget my name. I’m not your rock. I’m not your shelter from yourself.

This time, I promise, I will make you cry.

Enough with running in my high-heels towards the train station because again I was late, and always you got there before me. You don’t understand, it’s not me, my shoes aren’t made by BMW. Dammit.

It’s not about you anymore, neither about me. It finally isn’t about us anymore. Long time since it all was about you and me. Electric bills, gas bills, sharing dinner or going to Tiffany’s.  I guess sometimes this is normal, people go on their own ways. Love isn’t sometimes the bond, love is sometimes the thing that keeps people apart.

I should say I’m OK when you ask, right? Just to make it all pass easier, to make time seem less hurting. Just to make it easier on you. Shouldn’t be such a kid, people fall apart daily. Maybe this is my day.

I thought about promises a lot last night. And how we promised eachother everything, the stars, the Sun. If what we said was true then why right now there is no Sun in our sky?

I’m fine now, don’t worry. I won’t tell you that I shed a tear from time to time. You won’t even know I still have that picture, or the Starbucks coffee cup you bought. I don’t have to hide them. You stopped visiting me a long time ago.

I always tried making things right. I quit from that job. What I want seems to never have any importance and so there is no point in me trying to be nice.

I won’t be your nagging wife. Don’t worry. You’ll probably have a much more bitter wife anyways. And change the ” I love you” with a “Fuck off” like you did to me. Women are always crazy about this stuff.

Be an asshole with her, she won’t care. She’ll be with you for the kids anyhow. Go to sleep late at night, don’t kiss her Good-night. She will be probably drunk at that time.  In the morning make yourself some coffee, she will be taking the kids out to school. Be a really bitter man. You’ve shown me you are good at this.

So Good-luck. Don’t try to call once you read this. You’ll hear just my laugh. I miss you anyway. But from now on, I am not a part from your big future plans. Let me be the kid. I will be happy finally.

It may seem like such fun until you loose what you have won. I can hardly hear you say what should I do..well, you choose. Take my photo off the wall cause it won’t just sing for you. All that’s left is gone away and there’s nothing there for you to do. Look what you’ve done…

And I want to play hide-and-seek and give you my clothes and tell you I like your shoes and sit on the steps while you take a bath and massage your neck and kiss your feet and hold your hand and go for a meal and not mind when you eat my food and meet you at Rudy’s and talk about the day and type your letters and carry your boxes and laugh at your paranoia and give you tapes you don’t listen to and watch great films and watch terrible films and complain about the radio and take pictures of you when you’re sleeping and get up to fetch you coffee and bagels and Danish and go to Florent and drink coffee at midnight and have you steal my cigarettes and never be able to find a match and tell you about the the programme I saw the night before and take you to the eye hospital and not laugh at your jokes and want you in the morning but let you sleep for a while and kiss your back and stroke your skin and tell you how much I love your hair your eyes your lips your neck your breasts your arse your
and sit on the steps smoking till your neighbour comes home and sit on the steps smoking till you come home and worry when you’re late and be amazed when you’re early and give you sunflowers and go to your party and dance till I’m black and be sorry when I’m wrong and happy when you forgive me and look at your photos and wish I’d known you forever and hear your voice in my ear and feel your skin on my skin and get scared when you’re angry and your eye has gone red and the other eye blue and your hair to the left and your face oriental and tell you you’re gorgeous and hug you when you’re anxious and hold you when you hurt and want you when I smell you and offend you when I touch you and whimper when I’m next to you and whimper when I’m not and dribble on your breast and smother you in the night and get cold when you take the blanket and hot when you don’t and melt when you smile and dissolve when you laugh and not understand why you think I’m rejecting you when I’m not rejecting you and wonder how you could think I’d ever reject you and wonder who you are but accept you anyway and tell you about the tree angel enchanted forest boy who flew across the ocean because he loved you and write poems for you and wonder why you don’t believe me and have a feeling so deep I can’t find words for it and want to buy you a kitten I’d get jealous of because it would get more attention than me and keep you in bed when you have to go and cry like a baby when you finally do and get rid of the roaches and buy you presents you don’t want and take them away again and ask you to marry me and you say no again but keep on asking because though you think I don’t mean it I do always have from the first time I asked you and wander the city thinking it’s empty without you and want want you want and think I’m losing myself but know I’m safe with you and tell you the worst of me and try to give you the best of me because you don’t deserve any less and answer your questions when I’d rather not and tell you the truth when I really dont’ want to and try to be honest because I know you prefer it and think it’s all over but hang on in for just ten more minutes before you throw me out of your life and forget who I am and try to get closer to you because it’s a beautiful learning to know you and well worth the effort and speak German to you badly and Hebrew to you worse and make love with you at three in the morning and somehow somehow somehow communicate some of the overwhelming undying overpowering unconditional all-encompassing heart-enriching mind-expanding on-going never-ending love I have for you.

Fragment from ‘Crave’ by Sarah Kane