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Lonely. You hear the clock ticking and you close your eyes.
In the back there is the empty bed, with its clean,crispy sheets…waiting for you to come.
You think about life, about the fact that you are not living it. The sadness gets to you and you drop a tear. It’s OK, we’ve all been there.
You are alone tonight, he’s not coming by. He left you message on the machine saying he needs to get up early tomorrow. You sometimes thinks he doesn’t care. Why would he? You don’t think you are worth anything.
You make yourself a cup of tea. You get out a cigarette and you light it. It feels better now, you say to yourself.
Your mind is racing, all those memories, those special places…the faces. It all feels like a lifetime ago. Maybe you miss your Dad…you didn’t see him in so long it hurts. You put that thought away, you can’t bear to think he is gone forever. Not now, put it aside, bury it like you always do. Don’t let yourself be weak, it’s not OK. Is it the fact that when he passed away you did not only lose a Father, you also lost your best friend?
You are in overdrive. A mix of feelings overwhelms you. Is it too late to start a diary? It is, because you do not remember what happened before. Your life has 2 chapters: the Before…and After. You can’t manage to remember how you were, you only know what you’ve become. But that’s OK, it’s all in your mind. Nobody knows all these little details. You never say them out loud. And every time someone sees that you’re crying, you make something up just so you can get away. You can’t let people see you are hurting.
You are misbehaved, a rebel without a cause. You fight your own demons every moment. You always win. But the critic inside you is screaming: You are not good enough. When will you ever confront it?
When will you learn? Will you ever learn?!
You open your eyes.
This never happened.
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