Julylove’s Blog

The mind
November 23, 2011, 15:07
Filed under: Uncategorized

Lonely. You hear the clock ticking and you close your eyes.

In the back there is the empty bed, with its clean,crispy sheets…waiting for you to come.

You think about life, about the fact that you are not living it. The sadness gets to you and you drop a tear. It’s OK, we’ve all been there.

You are alone tonight, he’s not coming by. He left you message on the machine saying he needs to get up early tomorrow. You sometimes thinks he doesn’t care. Why would he? You don’t think you are worth anything.

You make yourself a cup of tea. You get out a cigarette and you light it. It feels better now, you say to yourself.

Your mind is racing, all those memories, those special places…the faces. It all feels like a lifetime ago. Maybe you miss your Dad…you didn’t see him in so long it hurts. You put that thought away, you can’t bear to think he is gone forever. Not now, put it aside, bury it like you always do. Don’t let yourself be weak, it’s not OK. Is it the fact that when he passed away you did not only lose a Father, you also lost your best friend?

You are in overdrive. A mix of feelings overwhelms you. Is it too late to start a diary? It is, because you do not remember what happened before. Your life has 2 chapters: the Before…and After. You can’t manage to remember how you were, you only know what you’ve become. But that’s OK, it’s all in your mind. Nobody knows all these little details. You never say them out loud. And every time someone sees that you’re crying, you make something up just so you can get away. You can’t let people see you are hurting.

You are misbehaved, a rebel without a cause. You fight your own demons every moment. You always win. But the critic inside you is screaming: You are not good enough. When will you ever confront it?

When will you learn? Will you ever learn?!

You open your eyes.

This never happened.




Single but in a couple
June 29, 2009, 13:24
Filed under: Uncategorized

giftsSome people say that being in a couple makes you a non-single woman. That is just a myth. Modern times have shown us that we need to keep our individuality even when we are in a couple.

Being single in a couple doesn’t mean cheating. Being single in a couple means going out with the girls, doing everything you did before but not stepping the boundaries of a relationship.

In a city that never sleeps having someone to share your insanity is purely fabulous. But having multiple persons to choose from is always welcomed. Besides your life partner you need to have friends. Friends that you can divide in categories: going-out friends, having brunch friends, fabulous shopping friends and so on.

All we hear is that when you are in a couple you shouldn’t do that or this. But every couple has its boundaries.

I, for example, have a very healthy relationship but in the same time I am living a single life. I maintained my friends, my social status and my personal wilderness. And it feels absolutely amazing.

Denying your freedom is just a conservation problem which you need to deal with. Living only a couple life makes you forget your inner strength and personality. Life isn’t always about “we are, we do, we go”. It’s about  yourself too, even in bigger proportions.

When every sentence starts with “we” the people in that couple are overwhelmed already. Married or not, single or not, life is too short to be just about boring days in doors or dinner with parents.

Nobody can make your life more fulfilling. Firstly, design your own rules, boundaries, way of life.

Single but in a couple is a must. Life is fabulous, you just need to realize it.

It’s a new day
June 4, 2009, 23:00
Filed under: Uncategorized

This is what they told me. I spent my week in doors, trying to delete the memories, or at least rewrite them.  It’s been a long while since I first time I saw your face, it’s been years since I first hopped for a ride in that red car of yours who used to stop at the most appropriate moments.

That car was changed for a new one. Like I was changed.

The first time I saw you you told me you want to go on a trip that will last at least 7 days, with no luggages. I giggled and I said I’ll join you. You accepted.

When I last saw you, I showed you the tickets I bought, for Oslo. You told me that your carrier can’t let you do it, that now you have plans, and your time is expensive. You even told me to try and find a steady job, not just move when something or someone doesn’t please me. You said I’m too complicated.

Well, you’ve lost your sense of humor. When I cal you all I hear are the noises of a lazy computer, and the fax who always is ringing. Where’s that amazing free laugh? Or those cute cheek bones you used to show with every occasion. Now you only wear those stupid ties, you even threw the t-shirts I bought you.

Is it worth it? You gave up your dreams. She’s there for you, she loves you in her way. But she stole that inner light of yours that you used to have. You were glowing all the time!

Your old friends still send me postcards. You don’t even call on my birthday.

Three years ago you said you’ll take me on a bike ride when I’ll buy a bike. I have a bike for two years. You never called.

I told you about the tree angel, and the enchanted forest I dreamt.  You mocked me and told me to grow up.

Well, keep those fancy shirts and those silly costume pants because I don’t like them. You look ridiculous.

She may tell you they fit you prefectly, well I say your tie doesn’t match your shirt. Suck it up, big man.

And she may ask you about your work, and support your projects, but I was the one who helped you build them. The one who got you a picnic basket in your office.

And I’m a ghost now. I don’t bother you. I only want you not to loose yourself. You were great, you were admired and cherished. Keep that.

You’re much better than that. Money can be made,  but happiness will never be achieved by buying stupid costumes and going to fancy parties with those snobs.

Get a pair of balls and tell her you want a barbeque. Listen to that music, shake your head. Smile. Be friendly. Give a ring from time to time. Look yourself in the mirror. Go out with the guys.

And after that, love her. Yes, love her. I’ll never try and stop that. I just want you to be the best man in everything.

I miss you. I miss your laugh. Please, take care of it.

Next time, I’ll really give you the photo I took of you when you were in Uni.

Ow, and, if you see this, don’t try to get any feedback from me.

What was in our past, will remain there. I won’t try anything. Just know you’re great, and yes, I will love you always for who you were and for how you showed me I can be. Free and never lost.

Not made for pussies. I meant cats.
June 3, 2009, 12:59
Filed under: Uncategorized

garfield themeTerrible terrible day.

Not so terrible but it was enough to make me wanna be in bed.

Went out in the morning, it was damn cold. Yuck.

Arrived at my destination. Found out that, of course, they canceled the event, but since I didn’t give my phone no, they couldn’t reach me.

Went and looked for a bus.

Realized I had no credit on my oyster. Perfect.

Went to the store, realized I had left my money home.

Walked till home. 1 hour.

Arrived shaking.

Went and poured some milk for the cat. She spilled it all on the carpet.

I, as a good girl, threw away the carpet blabbering. 10 minutes later I regreted it. It was a nice carpet.

Went outside, took it back.

Washed it. Put it on the dryer.

Took cat in the bedroom. Stupid cat peed on another carpet

Now I’m wondering: should I throw the other carpet…or the cat?!

I’m better now. Me-owwwww! -cat thrown-

I wonder how’s your life
May 23, 2009, 19:41
Filed under: Uncategorized

I left many blank pages in my life, I left many moments pass without doing nothing about it. I left love pass me by. I left myself in the torment of love and I got burnt. I never felt sorry about my decisions. Until now.

Now I am regreting every word that I told you. I regret asking you to go away. I regret burning all of our pictures, all of your letters. Like this, I only managed deleting myself from your heart.

You asked me to stay. I turned around and walked away, even thought that in that moment, my heart broke. I thought I had to go, to let you live your life.

When you said : “Let’s keep in touch” I nodded but in my mind I said NO. I deleted your phone number, every e-mail.

Now I am alone. I lost many irreplaceable things. But the one I regret most is loosing you.

How are you? How is life treating you? Did you make a family? If so…how is your wife? Is she charming, beautiful, charismatic? Is she a copy of me?

Did you get your dream come true? I heard about your succes once, an old friend mentioned you. That day I went looking for you. I went to your old address. You weren’t there no more. I wondered the streets for hours, searching for the trace of your perfume. I only found the perfume of the long lost love.

Do you have kids? Did they inherited your big brown beautiful eyes? Ow I so regret not being their mother. I lost every bit of myself on my way to becoming independent.

Why did I do this to myself? Why was I so obsesses with showing you I can do something? You never said I couldn’t.

Now I managed, I am doing what I always wanted . But I don’t have you to congratulate me. I’m not a “down with love ” woman, but still I always am said this.

They ask me why am I single. I never answer, but the answer would be : Because I lost the only man who really deserved me.

I don’t want to be a truly independent woman no more. I want to be your wife, I want to be the mother of your children. I want you to treat me as you did.

I miss you too much. Where are you? I read the newspapers daily in searching for a picture with you. Friends tell me they saw you passing by the other day. Today I wen ton the same street and waited. I thought I saw you and started running. Then, I realized it was truly you. You were with your wife. She is beautiful. I stopped and started crying.

You are beautiful. She is beautiful.

I am sorry. I lost you forever.

Be happy, I hope your children will realize you are a perfect man.

I love you.

With love, the woman who lost everything.

Reminder: Never love. Never.

What did I do you wrong? I always was the one to say “Let’s stop fighting”.

Never did I ask you much. I was easy to love from the start.

You ask why I keep running away from you. I do this because you’re like a magician. You always do your tricks and you leave.

I am sick of being the model. The model that has to assist the magic tricks and then slowly drag the curtain after her.

I am thinking about everything. What I had dreamed to do and what I am doing now. I want to be the perfect woman, the woman that doesn’t cry and the woman that is called I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T.

But when I am around you I am none of those. I am like a poor little bunny that is ripped from its mother’s warmth.

It’s hard to understand. I want to love you but I can’t. You…You don’t love me and you’ll never do it.

But still…you’re like a magnet. From all the men around me, I picked you. And I picked you because you’re the best. You really are the best, believe it.

You told me from the start not to fall for you, and I, of course, was sure that I won’t. Well I fell. I fell harder than I ever could imagine.

I’m not saying I am in love with you. I am saying I am closely falling in love with you but I am scared.

You don’t want me to love you.

You just want me to be next to you when you need it.

You’re hard to deal with. You are amazingly good. You are good in bed, you are a great cook, your sense of style amazes me, you know how to make a woman feel great, and you buy great gifts. You’re all that a woman could want but still you’re all that a woman wouldn’t want. A Prince Charming that, you know, will eventually leave.

Don’t let me fall on love with you, it’ll break my heart.

Stop being good to me.

Don’t tell me sweet words.

Just let me be I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T.

P.S. : Who am I fooling? I already am in love with you.

Die die die
April 13, 2009, 21:49
Filed under: Uncategorized

You asked me to die today. Was it worth it? Do you think it would be a better you without me?

I doubt. I didn’t do you wrong. I didn’t make you a bad person. You are a bad person, but not because I was with you.

I’m confused..which part of me would you like to kill? You already murdered my heart. I think that’s enough.

I’m going away. Didn’t you notice? My bags were on the hallway. Hm. I guess you were too busy blaming all on me, it’s easier to think that since you always liked to be the better man in everything.

I should’ve known from the start that your smile isn’t real.

You could be a really good clown. You always managed to do tricks with me. And it worked like magic cause I believed you.

You know..you’re a pathetic human being. I’m not the kind of woman that you can step on your way to success, to a greater life.

Look for someone that is good at cleaning your shoes. You don’t need love. You don’t need a real woman.

And a real woman doesn’t need you.

It’s silly of me to think about you, to think I could ever change you. I tried. All I managed to succeed was for you to throw me away.

Forget who I am. Forget my name. I’m not your rock. I’m not your shelter from yourself.

This time, I promise, I will make you cry.